“The Confession”

You can also hear me read this story on:

Episode #11 of The Word Count podcast.

The prompt was: “I have a secret…”

*  *  *  *

It was difficult getting up this morning, and I’d almost forgotten what day it was—almost, but of course, I didn’t. It took only a few seconds of conscious thought before I remembered. It’s been twenty five years since she’s been gone. And every year since then, I’ve set aside today for her.

I’ve never told you about this, but I think it’s time you know. God…how I miss her. I can’t even bring myself to say her name anymore. I’m not worthy of her.

I still remember the last time I felt her touch. It was the touch of an angel, because that’s what she was to me. Angelic. In so many ways, she was not of this world. Her beauty was ethereal—delicate features, dark hair,  almond-shaped eyes. I could feel her love just from the way she smiled at me. It wasn’t only a smile with her lips. Her entire aura changed—her face softened, her eyes gleamed, and she blushed. Her rosy cheeks were always warm against my face when she kissed me. Even today, when I close my eyes, I can still smell her, the fragrance of ylang ylang, her favorite scent.

She was so tiny compared to me, but when our bodies intertwined, and she burrowed her face into my hairy chest, it was like we had been made for each other. She used to say I was the yin to her yang. And when she climbed on top of me and took me deep inside her womb, I knew my body belonged only to her. What I didn’t know then, was that my soul belonged to her as well.

I have never felt a love like that, and yet, I walked away from it, thinking I needed something more, something else. I was a fool, and I must live with the consequences of my decision, because that’s what a man does. And I am, after all, only a man.

She always said she loved me more than life, and I’d assumed it was just her poetic way of speaking. But she was never one for drama. She just felt the spectrum of emotions so deeply. When she laughed, her body shook, and when she cried, she broke my heart, and when she felt pain…God, I should have known.  How I’ve suffered for my decision to leave her! A part of me wanted to die with her, but I couldn’t. I just couldn’t.

Yes, she took her life, that’s a sin. And I’ve given you mine, but I’ve also sinned. I chose you over her so long ago, so I will honor my commitment to you. I’ll remain your humble servant and try to save others, for I know I can no longer save myself.

Today is a tribute to her, to her memory, and to how she made me feel alive. I will serve only her as I serve you the other 364 days of the year. It’s all I have left to offer her.  Surely, a merciful God like you must understand how I’ve struggled to remain here!  How I’ve questioned that I could listen to others when I couldn’t even listen to my own heart, that I could provide hope when oftentimes I felt completely hopeless.

Today is the only day of the year I will take for myself to feel whole again, to feel human, and to remember that my life was never as clear as when I was with her. She took me to new heights in this world I couldn’t have possibly imagined. With her, I could have been an accomplished man. Without her, I am but a flawed priest—a mortal bound to the ideals I have chosen to live by.

Lord. God Almighty. Tomorrow, I’ll spread the seed of your words once again, but today, I will spill my seed until I am emptied—the seeds of my life— the life I have bestowed upon you for the remainder of my days.

* * * *

This story is included in a collection called  HOT FLASH, now available 

Amazon US  ~ Amazon UK

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10 Comments

Filed under Short Stories & Poetry

10 responses to ““The Confession”

  1. AuthorCaseySheridan

    I listened to this on The Word Count Podcast. It’s a great story and you have a very sensual voice. 😉

    Like

  2. L.M. Stull

    Well, I just love this story. Poetic, tragic, humbling. I think it is wonderful that he dedicates this day to her each year, how he is honest with his God, with himself.

    I felt his pain, sorrow and regret as I read the story. My heart ached for what he once had with his love, and for what he would have to endure without her.

    Yet, in this story, I also see strength and hope. So many years after this event, he still lives on, remembering her, and trying to remain true to himself.

    Bravo Eden, bravo.

    Like

    • So…I’m in NY, alone in my hotel room bawling, damn….thank you for your kind words. I never want to regret life decisions, but like your story, regret is sometimes inevitable….and yet, we soldier on, damn it, why do we have to soldier on?
      Thank you for your thoughtful comment. It means a lot to me.
      Eden

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      • L.M. Stull

        awww you are most welcome. You are an exceptional writer and it is sincerely a pleasure to read your work.

        Yes, regret is always there waiting for us. I, unfortunately, have regretted a number of things in my past, but, at the same token, I am thankful for each regret, as they have molded me into what I am today.

        Lisa

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  3. Lisa, regret and guilt – two things that can eat away at the core of each of us. I knew from reading your story on the podcast that it was a very personal entry. You are right, these episodes mold us, but they are nonetheless painful, gut-wrenching, and tonight, for some reason, your words cut so deeply.

    The pain is overwhelming sometimes but it reminds me I’m alive. Thank you.
    Eden

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  4. This story spoke to me in ways you cannot imagine, because there was once a beloved in my in my life who died 24 years ago. I also left this person in a fit of immaturity and think of her every day. Your story succeeds in capturing the essence of regret, the realization we cannot go back, can never make it right, will always have to live with our mistake. Well done.

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    • RH, Thank you for reading. I’m sorry for your loss and can feel the pain in your words even from your brief comment.

      Though I agree we can never go back, we do have to move forward, and hopefully learn from the lessons of the past. Still a bitter pill to swallow though…

      eden

      Like

  5. Barbara

    Incredible emotion with this story, well done. I wonder how many men in his position feel the same way about their decision to devote their lives to God.

    Like

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